Photo by Tom Hanchai
E-Mail sent 1/29/04 11:58AM
I thought that I would send an update to as many people as I have email addresses for and then try and make personal contacts in the coming days. If you know of someone who would like to receive this and didn't please pass this on to them.
As many of you know my water broke on Sunday afternoon and I was only 28 weeks along. Not only did I know that my water breaking was terrible but the fluid was meconium stained (the baby had pooped) and I knew that meant the baby was not doing well. The medic in the ambulance let me know that due to the gestational age, the meconium, no heartbeat present and no fetal activity that this baby was probably not going to make it. She wanted me to be prepared.
Once admitted, a heartbeat was found and attempts to stop labor began. Knowing how my body proceeds with labor I knew it would have to be an absolute miracle to keep this baby from coming. Nonetheless it was my cry to God that He stop it and for reasons I do not know He chose not to. At about 5:30 in the morning the doctor came in, turned on the lights and said we have to do a C-section. The baby's heart rate has dropped to dangerous levels, we will not have time for an epidural, we will just put you to sleep. They told Jon he would have to ask the anesthesiologist if he could be in the room as it was going to be overcrowded with doctor's and nurses. I have never felt so powerless in all my life. But I let the doctor know how much I did not want a C-section. I believe that God whispered in her ear because she made the split decision to check me. In shock she asked me to push and Klara entered this world. Jon was still outside (all this took place in about 5 min) when he heard a request, over the loud speaker, for him to come in. He came in expecting to see me asleep but through all of the people saw I was crying, then saw a baby (wondered whose baby is that) and was finally told what happened.
Klara was rushed away and I was unable to see her for a few hours. Once she was stabilized they said she weighed 2 pounds 12 ounces and as far as they could tell she was going to pull through but it would be a battle. Every day she has made good progress, everything is moving along normally according to them. The hardest thing right now is that none of this is normal to Jon or to me. It has been hard for me to acclimate to words like blood transfusion, morphine, blood gasses... These are all normal events for a pre-term baby.
She could be in the hospital for 3 months, depending on how quickly she progresses. We will not be able to hold her for at least a week. We cannot even stroke her as her nervous system is not developed enough and touch is an irritant to her. They gave her breastmilk last night and if all goes well they will give her milk (via a tube) every four hours. They took her off the ventilator (a tube down her throat helping her to breath) last night too and put an oxygen mask over her nose.
My emotions have been all over the place. My will has been tested, my physical strength has been depleted and in the end I have had to surrender everything, not only to God, but to total strangers. Klara is not in my physical arms like every other baby has been but God has been showing me, in a very real way, that I have been foolish to believe that any of my children are really in my arms. I have been removed from Klara's life, for now, and God has replaced me with Himself and those he has given the talents and gifts to.
Thank you to everyone who has called, visited, prayed, emailed, sent letters and flowers, brought meals, and helped out with the girls. With three phone calls and an ambulance coming to our house the word spread quickly. Our children were immediately cared for (even though Jon's parents were out of town) and every need we have had has been met in ways that many people may not even realize. The coming weeks and months will be hard but the strength and ability to get through it will not be our own. Jon asked me if I new where strength comes from and then quoted "the joy of the Lord is our strength."
Many have asked how they can help and I don't really know what to say yet. Please pray for Klara's strength as she tries her best to overcome every hurdle.
Blessings!
Just wanted to let you all know that Klara is doing beautifully so far. The big news of the day is that she pooped. That was a big concern the last 24 hours and because she pooped they are confident there are no obstructions. She has not had any lapses in her breathing (the nurses call those "Brady's" or apnea) and they will probably move her from a CPAP (which is a little mask that blows air into her lungs to keep the air sacs open after each breath) to a Cannula (which is soft plastic tubing that wraps around the baby's face and has openings under the baby's nose to deliver humidified oxygen) the middle of next week.
Sent: Tue 2/3/2004 2:44 PM
This is the hardest email I have had to write so far. After holding Klara for 2 hours this morning and feeling like she was doing great the doctor asked if he could talk with me. We went into his office and he told me that Klara has a Grade II bleed on both sides of her brain. They rate them on a scale of I-IV with IV being the worst. It is possible that her brain has bled all its going to bleed and the blood will reabsorb into the brain and she will be just fine or it could continue to bleed and spill into the ventricle. As the blood fills the ventricle, it may enlarge and leave damaged tissue. If the bleeding continues it could lead to hydrocephalus which would require surgery to put in a shunt. This is my understanding from a 5 minute conversation and all may not be entirely accurate.
For those prayer warriors out there please prayer for her brain and specifically that the blood would reabsorb and no damage would be done.
On a happier note she is doing great with her breathing. Last night, during a nasal cleaning with her CPAP off, they detected a brady and an apnea but she has been fine since so they aren't sure how accurate it was. I have been able to hold her twice, skin to skin, for 2 hours each time. It has been the most amazing thing as she knows it's where she belongs and she loves it. She is also digesting breastmilk very well and is on a continual feed with that.
All of her sisters are doing well. We've all adopted Anni's prayer that she grow strong and mighty. They don't understand much but hold me when I am sad and ask if she is going to die. I tell them I don't think God is going to take her from us and that's all they want to know.
I am trying to get an accurate email list as I know that many are being forwarded this email and have called to ask to be added to my list. If you are not on this list and want to be please let me know as I'd love to keep as many as possible informed and praying specifically for her.
Blessings!
PS-The lab work came back and there was no infection present that could have caused the premature rupture of membranes. We are still waiting for a pathology report on the placenta. There have been no other explanations as to why this happened, I am continuing to ask questions, but I will probably never receive an explanation.